Saturday, 30 May 2015

24 Things You Take With You After Graduating From College - The Lyin', The Bitch, and the Wardrobe... Malfunction

The following list is from an article on Huffington Post Women called '24 Things You Take With You After Graduating Form College.

I decided to add some reality to it, since the author clearly lives in some utopian LaLa Land where unicorns fart rainbows and it rains Skittles from the sky. She writes about all the awesome, wonderful, fuzzy bunny 'lessons' and 'things' a woman takes with her after leaving college.

The author never once mentions the massive debt most graduates take with them after graduating, which leads me to believe that the author is one of those privileged upper-middle class and beyond types who never had to pay for a damned thing in college, but I digress.

As we know, many a Toxic Feminist with oodles of privilege is born on college campuses, so we need to keep that fact in mind when injecting some reality into this rainbow farting unicorn.

Let's begin:
  1. Friendships that will last a lifetime. They're the people you will dance with at your wedding and take presents to when they invite you to their toddler's moon bounce birthday party.

    - They are the privileged white women that you will call when you need a 'safe space' from all the sexist and misogynistic men because there is no Title IX to fall back on anymore.
  1. I'm serious. These are the friends who had to pick you up off the bathroom floor and wash the nacho cheese off your face. These are the friends who saw you at your absolute worst and still decided you were pretty awesome. These are the friends who grew with you as your ideas and personality truly started to develop into that of a unique human-being. These are the friends you couldn't forget if you tried, and you take that with you.

    - These are the people who told you that you are never at fault for anything you do while drunk off your ass because a woman is never to blame for anything. These are the friends who helped you become a raging feminist ideologue by refusing to challenge your ideas. These are the friends you could never forget because they helped you form your ideological and illogical narratives, and ideas.
  1. An appreciation for the little things.

    - A myopic and unrealistic view of the real world.
  1. Budgeting skills. You learned to live on the quarters you saved for laundry and Easy Mac.

    - You learned to call mommy and daddy for more cash when ever you needed it and have no clue what surviving on your own actually means.
  1. The ability to exceed your own expectations. The motivation to push yourself to be more.

    - The ability to whine, cry, and scream for special treatment every time something got a little too hard for you.
  1. An appreciation for teamwork. And an ability to make your own little teams wherever you venture in the professional world.

    - An ability to 'other' those who did not support, or conform to, your feminist narratives and to only associate with those that did.
  1. Stories that will never cease to make you and your friends laugh. So hard, in fact, your stomachs hurt and words can barely find their way out of your mouths.

    - Hilarious stories about the time you 'smashed the patriarchy' by filing a Title IX complaint against some guy who brushed up against you the wrong way in a crowded hallway. Oh the LOLZ!
  1. The talent that it takes to pull an all-nighter writing a term paper... and then still stay out to 3 a.m. the next night in celebration of such a feat.

    - The talent it takes to write a term paper on Gender/Womens Studies, and then stay out until 3am the next night hoping no one would rape you while you drank yourself half to death. Girl power!
  1. The sense of confidence that only comes from experiencing your own hilariously pathetic mistakes.

    - The sense of confidence that only comes from being able to use tons of college resources, like Title IX, to solve petty problems that you were completely unable to handle on your own.
  1. The strength to stand alone and thrive independently.

    - As long as everyone propped you up and held your hand through anything mildly emotionally uncomfortable to you.
  1. The comfort of knowing that you packed up and left all that you knew once before. You know, when your parents dropped your skinny butt off to awkwardly unpack in your dorm room with a total stranger. If you could do it when you were 18, you know you can do it now, too.

    - You know, when you left one place where your parents totally took care of you and did everything for you when ever you felt scared, sad, or threatened, to go to another place where school officials and friends totally took care of you and did everything for you when ever you felt scared, sad, or threatened. So the real world must totally be like that too, right?
  1. Connections that will never cease to benefit you.

    - When in need, call all your feminist friends to start a Twitter campaign with catchy hashtags and scream 'misogyny' or 'sexism' really loudly.
  1. A seemingly random, but incredibly diverse range of knowledge.

    - Yes, because Gender/Womens Studies is so factual, rational, and logical, and has given you amazing diverse skills that are completely applicable and essential for living in the real world.
  1. Entertaining skills obtained through the creation of random games and ways to spend your copious free time.

    - Entertaining those skills you got by playing random games like 'guess the enthusiastic consent word', and 'was I really raped, sexually assaulted, or generally offended?' with your copious free time in 'safe spaces'.
  1. The ability to nap while waiting on line. I imagine this will come in handy one day.

    - The ability to remain unfocused and oblivious in public so you will likely be assaulted by some 'toxic' rape-prone male? Yes, this will certainly come in handy for you.
  1. Listening and learning skills. If you can master a three-hour lecture, you can sit through an quarterly earnings meeting like a champ.

    - Yes, because hearing only what you want to hear by sitting in a class that you chose to participate in because it was easy, or fit your narrative, is just like being in a board meeting.
  1. Management skills. Gained from trying to manage clubs, teams and extracurricular activities alongside a bunch of your equally degenerate peers.

    - Managing those 'safe spaces' and organizing protests against anyone you don't like with your 'degenerate' peers by demanding 'trigger warnings' is an awesome skill to have.
  1. A relationship. Or the experience of one that gave you an insane insight into what it's like to meet someone from a different place and be able to create a world together in your collegiate escapades.

    - As long as he always asked you for enthusiastic consent, and never offended you in any way, shape, or form. How romantic.
  1. The young and crazy glow in a person's eyes as they stare at you through the smoke of that little bar and find that they're falling madly in love with you.

    - Was it a 'glow' of love, or was he raping you with his eyes?

  1. An appreciation for the fact that you'll now be living somewhere that rarely undergoes the risk of total Friday night destruction.

    - No destruction, no 'safe spaces' and no Title IX to run to. Oh the horror.
  1. An understanding that you can't plan for every part of your life. You watched yourself switch majors or directions probably more than once during your secondary education, and that's OK. That's OK because you'll probably have to switch professions and career direction too one day. You'll at some point have to dramatically change something during your professional and personal adult life. You'll have to adjust. That's life, and college taught you that from the beginning. Conquering adversity and accepting change is key to success in this world.

    - 'Conquering adversity and accepting change is key to success in this world' – as long as you have 'safe spaces' and 'trigger warnings' you will be just fine.
  1. A sports fandom that will inevitably be spread to your children and every single person who accidentally asks you what school you root for every season.

    - Rooting for college sports? But that's where a lot of the misogyny and sexism is rooted. Why would you want to support things like that? Ewww!
  1. A life-long sense of pride and one that you can genuinely bond with strangers over almost instantly.

    - As long as they don't come off as 'creepy', 'rapey', or 'misogynistic'.
  1. Memories. So many memories. You'll remember the professors who made you think, the friends who made you feel like you were a part of a family, the nights that inspired stories of laughter for years to come, the late-night pizzas, the football games, the messes, the kisses, the "A" on your paper you spent all night writing, the clubs, the adventures, the teams, the college-town quirks, the inside jokes and the moments you felt infinite, young and alive.

    - So many memories – The professors who said or wrote something you didn't like and found to be sexist or oppressive, the friends that helped you file a Title IX complaint/charge, the sexist and misogynistic sports teams, the kisses gotten without enthusiastic consent, the 'A' on your paper because you ignored facts and just regurgitated what your Gender/Womens Studies professor wanted you to, the 'safe spaces', the triggering moments, more 'safe spaces', the internalized college-town misogyny, the 'ironic' jokes about killing all men and male tears, and the moments you felt completely paralyzed by something you took to be offensive. Oh the memories.
Those moments won't end. You are still young and alive, and the possibilities you have now to achieve greatness are continually infinite. So, think not of what you see in that dirty rearview mirror as you drive away. Think about what you keep still in your heart and mind, and look ahead, because now you get to dive into an enchanted and fascinating world you've earned entry into, the future.

You are now entering Narnia. Enjoy it while it lasts because reality is a bitch.

Written by Kristina Hansen
*** No re-prints without permission